Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
