How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
