Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
