my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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