I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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