I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
