the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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