ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
