I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
