My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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