Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
