I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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