Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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