At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
