Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
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pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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