Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
