i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
