just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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