I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
