I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
