She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
