I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
