I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
