smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
