I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
