I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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