I think I won the penis lottery.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
my shit smells like andre
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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