My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
