I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
