I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize