I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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