I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Randomize
