i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The chlamydia really affected his face.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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