i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
