I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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