I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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