She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
