you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
