I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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