I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
