I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
