Your dad touched me again.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
