I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
