the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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