He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
