Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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