I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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