I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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