I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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