When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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