genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
