Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Randomize
