Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
