The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
