no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize