So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Naked. naked and bneed help.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
